Ever have one of those days when you wonder how your could've
been so blind about someone? Take it from me: I am nobody's fool. I have
a survivalist's instinct about people. Contrastingly, I have a rather romantic view of
things like honor, loyalty and truth.
On this day, however, now three years
after being betrayed and abandoned, it is is as if the chemicals in my brain have
altered and I see the world through Average Jane's eyes. Horrible, horrible and
more horrible! No wonder people seem to find me so interesting: I am forever exploring
the depths of thought, giving color and texture to emotion and painting my
landscape with lots of love and entertaining hypotheses.
I am no saint but it took my whole life up
to this point to fall in love so absolutely and that there is no known cure.
That happened six years ago and the relationship only lasted three of those
years. I feel as though I have been mauled by an extremely dangerous beast and
left to die.
Obviously, I have not died yet - I
still have some ways to go.
This devastating aftermath has had some
interesting consequences thus far: it has made me very loving towards friends
and my understanding is more tinged with tolerance for a whole new aspect of
My humanity has made me somehow more human.
Nothing much sways me one way or another. Excessive greed for financial gain is
not an issue. I continually do self-examination to make sure that selfishness is
not taking too much root. I worry about the long term consequences of any
potentially negative characteristics. My biggest failing is my inability to
tolerate fools. People who refuse to think and to strive. Don't be silly, I am
obviously not referring to one's perceived place in society and corporate
clawing. I am trying to talk myself out of my harsh-glass view of life on this
I woke up this morning and was horrified to
realize what a fool I have been. My relationship had only been in my own head
and was not a two-way street.
I never, ever again want to experience the feeling
of being discarded like dirty washing or something distasteful stuck under a
However, the moment of harsh clarity has
now passed because life is just so damned
peachy and it is getting towards my lunch break. So the sense of my true love
just being away for a while returns along
with my illusions.