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"if it doesn't pay rent - throw it out"



Upon deciding to sweep out the debris of a very damaged heart, I have embarked upon a frenzy of mental housecleaning.

Why? So much grief and pain since May of 1999 - not being able to recover from a relationship break up and the most awful sense of betrayal and disappointment. I try and be a good friend, do not partake overly much in vicious gossip, though I do get really p.....d off about certain things and complain to a confidant, then I feel really bad and try not to get mad again.

But now, I am at the point where I am asking all the people directly involved in my social sphere why they are friends with me. If the answers I get are not true and deep and good then I will remove myself from all contact with them. I want no more endless, agonizing banality for politeness sake. I am after raw truth. I am weary at the uncertainty and the lack of love I feel. I am always in search of love. It is a yawning, horrible chasm within me. I have just had a birthday and it is time for change, reconditioning, reprogramming, refurnishing, replenishment and new growth.

I tried solidly to make sense of everything. Forced into confronting and reliving acutely painful experiences. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is probably what it could be called. I live two houses down from where we had once lived. It was the first place I had ever in my life really felt was home.


But, enough of all that!  I have learned some hard lessons. These things I believe I know for sure:


True friends are very rare indeed.


People are not to be trusted - they are treacherous, motivated by envy, ego and malice. They scare me.


I am going to run away very soon.



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