Upon deciding to sweep out the debris of a
very damaged heart, I have embarked upon a frenzy of mental housecleaning.
Why? So much grief and pain since May of
1999 - not being able to recover from a relationship break up and the most
awful sense of betrayal and disappointment. I try and be a good friend, do
not partake overly much in vicious gossip, though I do get really p.....d
off about certain things and complain to a confidant, then I feel really bad
and try not to get mad again.
But now, I am at the point where I am
asking all the people directly involved in my social sphere why they are
friends with me. If the answers I get are not true and deep and good then I
will remove myself from all contact with them. I want no more endless,
agonizing banality for politeness sake. I am after raw truth. I am weary at
the uncertainty and the lack of love I feel. I am always in search of love.
It is a yawning, horrible chasm within me. I have just had a birthday and it
is time for change, reconditioning, reprogramming, refurnishing,
replenishment and new growth.
I tried solidly to make sense of
everything. Forced into confronting and reliving acutely painful
experiences. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is probably what it could be
called. I live two houses down from where we had once lived. It was the
first place I had ever in my life really felt was home.