I'm
sitting here thinking about things tonight. Just stuff. It has been a little
over a year since my true love disposed of our love affair.
It has
been hell - no other word for it. I have wept and mourned, been haunted by
terrors unimaginable and overwhelmed by grief. I felt my soul crumple like a
defective parachute and I spun wildly towards the earth.
Without the help of
friends I shudder to think of where I would be by now.
However, it has been getting easier of late. A friend gave me some very good
advice. She said: "Fight these thoughts, these memories as if they are a
mortal enemy. You are fighting for your life". Somehow, it made
perfect sense and I felt something click into place.
Very quickly now I am aware
of healing, of acceptance and a sense of the return of self worth.
Thus it was that I went on a date on a recent Friday night. My humanity felt as
though it had returned and suddenly the bounce returned to my step.
I have reached some very important conclusions.
Firstly, rather feel pain than allow bitterness to take hold and solidify
your hopes. Bitterness is bad for the bones, anyway - it says so somewhere in
the Old Testament.
Secondly, I made no secret of my grief. I expressed it because my heart
could not be comforted. At the risk of being viewed as mentally 'very
off', jaded, faded and humiliated the tears flowed. My heart could not have become any
softer without liquifying.
Thirdly, ask God to look after you. He does.
Fourthly, trust friends. Make friends. Express your grief. Give grief its
day, its say, its way. However, when you feel the warmth of life touching the
icy shadows,
focus on it - if only for a fleeting second at a time.
Fifthly, say thank you to your friends. I thank them now in deep
gratitude for their caring. Lynne Martin, MaryEllen Spear, Ernestine and Leanne.
Lifelines on a daily basis. Enough to re-establish faith in the goodness of some
humans. There have been others who have helped. To them all - thank you.
