Ellie
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It has been
funny this week.
Busy in patches.
I had the strangest feeling that you might've come to town this weekend.
you're not, though.
I am going to a party on Friday night - California Annie is having her 44th
birthday.
I am glad you like the picture of Ellie. Fat Ellie is such a nervous child
with her little pale nose and exceedingly well padded frame. I love her very
much. She was on my lap last night while I was watching a video. she was
holding onto me.
Sometimes I get the feeling that she is waiting. Maybe waiting for you, I
don't know. She has a sadness about her. She tries to tell me things. I
think the divorce affected her.
I was sitting outside at Ernestine's house the other evening. - She has
that little plastic table at the base of her outside stairs, remember? We
sat and chatted for a while. I was looking at our old house, with the garage
still painted white, and I said to Ernestine: "I am going to go home
now, Ernestine, ----- will be home soon and I must get supper ready".
It was just a passing thought and I thought I would share it with you.
I think sometimes that it would be better to be a computer with the ability
to delete files and memory chips and just simply upgrade to better software.
However, if you're wired a certain way, it is so difficult. Oh well, it's
part of the journey - for this old Mac brain, anyway. It was a passing
moment.
I have had two people this week tell me that they love me and all I get is
this feeling of resignation. It's a kind of pain that jumps up from a corner
of my heart where it has been crouching quietly in the mists.
I have heard those words before and I know it all to a moment of infatuation
for a foreign exotic flavor. I know from past experience that this is an
untruth - this 'I love you' stuff. I had thought I was loved once before in
my life but it turned out to be hollow.
I had a reply to this letter but I am of the
opinion it was merely manipulative so I won't publish it in this now ending
saga of unrequited love. It is time for me to walk away and not look back. |
Kariega River - 80 miles outside of Port Elizabeth |
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