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Deep 3 am thoughts by
a sad lady in Nashville |
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I long for a
home of my own. I work hard. but being the rather individual person that
I am I find it difficult to find my niche in a society so huge and full of
people.
At times I am impressed
by my courage to survive and go on.
I have thus far managed
to hold myself together - barely - by living one day at a time and with the
help and encouragement of friends.
I wonder where I go from
here.
My dream is to buy a
reliable home-on-wheels, take the cats and travel America, working as I go.
Naturally, I will own a
digital video camera and uplink my files via satellite and have generous
sponsorship from PBS, Kodak and the like. The urge to wander is almost
overwhelming.
There is no reason for me
to settle now. No-one is coming. No-one ever will.
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If it were possible to
look inside my heart you would find a rift as deep as the Grand Canyon.
Once, I stood on the rim of the wound of the world and saw her very bones.
So it would be in my heart if you could see me now. |
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And as always: love lost...
I found love
and thought that love had finally found me. I was wrong.
Come nightfall, I am
alone in my bed and cannot bear the touch of any other. Love wasted is a sad
thing indeed.
A deep sense that destiny
was thwarted and that it was something I did, who I was that ruined what
should have been. I would say that thus far in life, this has been my
greatest failure and my deepest regret. |
My love is never coming home. That's quite laughable really because I have
no real home.
The only certainty is that the rent is due - again. |
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I have been through an ordeal
most dire in America. I arrived with high hopes of a life without fear, to
make a place of refuge for friends and family.
I am
prone to deep thinking and therefore to depression and despair.
As a
child, from the time we moved from the wild and free areas of
Zambia, I recall being overwhelmed by city life. People puzzled me
because so many of them had two faces. Betrayal - even on a small child
scale - dismayed me. The hurt or death of an animal devastated me for a
long, long time. The sense of being powerless to
save the creatures made my spirit rail against the way the world worked.
I have
never accepted death as the natural order of things. It is simply the
planet's way of surviving - not thriving. - We were originally designed to
thrive.
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To
add fuel to the already smoldering fire, the destruction of all order in my
own country, I was very afraid. Robbery and murder are commonplace in
Africa. It's a shame, really, because the continent is much greater than
petty human atrocities.
When my mother was
attacked my brittle world collapsed. I came to America. |
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And thus it was, Auntie Jackie was off again into the wild and wide
blue yonder |
