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3 am thoughts by a sad lady in Nashville

I long for a home of my own. I work hard. but being the rather individual person that I am I find it difficult to find my niche in a society so huge and full of people.

At times I am impressed by my courage to survive and go on. I have thus far managed to hold myself together - barely - by living one day at a time and with the help and encouragement of friends.

And as always: love lost...

I found love and thought that love had finally found me. I was wrong.

Come nightfall, I am alone in my bed and cannot bear the touch of any other. Love wasted is a sad thing indeed.

A deep sense that destiny was thwarted and that it was something I did, who I was that ruined what should have been. I would say that thus far in life, this has been my greatest failure and my deepest regret.

I wonder where I go from here.

My dream is to buy a reliable mobile home-on-wheels, take the cats and travel America, working as I go. Naturally, I will own a digital videocamera and uplink my files via satelite and have generous sponsorship from PBS, Kodak and the like. The urge to wander is almost overwhelming.

There is no reason for me to settle now. No-one is coming. No-one will.

My love is never coming home. That's quite laughable really because I have no home. The only certainty is that the rent is due - again.

And thus it was, Auntie Jackie was off again into the wide blue yonder...

If it were possible to look inside my heart you would find a rift as deep as the Grand Canyon. As once I stood on the rim of the wound of the world and saw her very bones so it would be if you could see me.

I have been through an ordeal most dire in America. I came with high hopes of a life without fear, to make a place of refuge for friends and family.

I am prone to deep thinking and therefore to depression and despair.

As a child, from the time we moved from the wild and free areas of Zambia, I recall being overwhelmed by city life. People puzzled me because so many of them had two faces. Betrayal - even on a small child scale - dismayed me.The hurt or death of an animal devastated me for a long, long time. The sense of being powerless to save the creatures made my spirit rail against the way the world worked.

I have never accepted death as the natural order of things. It is simply the planet's way of surviving - not thriving. - We were originally designed to thrive.

To add fuel to the already smoldering fire, the destruction of all order in my own country, I was very afraid. Robbery and murder are commonplace in Africa. It's a shame, really, because the continent is much greater than petty human atrocities.

When my mother was attacked my brittle world collapsed. I came to America.

I have several marvelous new projects
I'll tell you later